Facing up to retirement is a challenge for most people who have spent the majority of their life in structured work. Notwithstanding the type of work, most of us have had the security of knowing the pattern of our lives on a daily, weekly and yearly basis. We have planned our social and holiday activities to fit with work. Being single adds an extra dimension to the challenge of retirement as there is no one at home who will provide companionship, love, sustenance and entertainment, to make the transition easier.
Impending retirement focuses the mind on one’s built identity, very much formed in the workplace and on one’s professional achievements and disappointments. It also highlights that health, housing and financial issues are intertwined and can be quite a challenge for those who are single and needing to finance the years ahead. If one has been healthy throughout one’s life, there is a greater chance of being more secure financially as the opportunity to secure housing and accumulate superannuation funds is greater when work has not been interrupted. If however, child raising, periods of unemployment or health problems have interrupted working life, the choices that are available can be limited.
Clients often come to counselling to examine the choices open to themselves as single people. These choices are not always straightforward as they are often complicated by their care giving responsibilities towards elderly parents and/or children and grandchildren. Discussions that include planning for one’s own needs, as well as those near and dear to us, are usually part of reflections undertaken during this time of considering transition towards retirement.
Reflection is common on questions such as:
- Am I happy with the career path I chose?
- Have I fulfilled the goals I set myself in my career?
- Have I developed satisfying relationships outside work that will sustain
- me in retirement?
- How can I balance my ongoing commitments with the opportunity to change my own direction and lifestyle?
- What will I do with the rest of my life?
Life in the twenty-first century is kinder to people considering retirement now than in the past. We have more choices than those in earlier times when, upon reaching a certain age, employment ceased with no thought to the contribution a person was currently making or could make into the future to their field. Nowadays, many people can choose to gradually cut back their working hours and ease out of their workplace in a way that suits their particular form of transition into retirement. It is becoming more common for “transitioners” to choose to move into part time work, or set up as a consultant for their particular industry and business requirements. However, ill health or disability can bring more complexity to making the decision to retire as there may be less opportunity to plan.
For those who have made work their life, finding other interests and developing social networks can be particularly challenging. However, a single person can rely on the fact that they have been making decisions and taking responsibility for themselves on a daily basis and so have well practiced skills to take into this new phase of life.
Transitioners often find the internet is a ready tool to be utilised in regard to researching moving into retirement and seeking information of all kinds. For those lacking in computer skills there are many courses, both face to face and online, that assist in opening the world of available resources and communication channels. Many clients have described connecting with old friends and making new ones through online vehicles such as Facebook. There are also many other online sites that link people who are looking for companionship and romance.
Nigel retired when he was 66. He had married young and his wife, Karen, died when they were both in their 30s. Nigel has thrown himself into his career in banking and investment and has been extraordinarily successful, especially with his interests in mining. He never remarried, or had any serious intimate relationships since losing his wife, choosing instead to use his energy to raise his two children who are now adults. They both live quite close by.
Nigel first came to counselling two years prior to retirement because he was finding that he had been having dreams about his wife since his daughter had announced her engagement. He explained that he was having overwhelming feelings of loneliness and has several dreams about dying alone, which caused him to awake in a panic. At these times he felt so exhausted he could barely drag himself out of bed to go to work. His mild depression didn’t require medication, but he did commit to several sessions of counselling and, much to his horror, a daily exercise routine beginning with an early morning walk.
Within two weeks, Nigel was beginning to feel “lighter” and less anxious. Work did not seem to be such a burden. However, this episode had highlighted to him the need to begin to develop a different lifestyle that was not so dependent on his work and his fathering role. The counselling sessions also gave him the space to reflect on how losing his wife when his children were so young had impacted on him, resulting in the creation of a protective shell to avoid another experience of such profound loss. He took the challenge of thinking about allowing himself to be open to the possibility of another intimate relationship.
After several attempts at internet dating, Nigel decided that was not the avenue that he was comfortable with. Although he was close to his sister and the wider family, they did not present opportunities to meet new people. He eventually decided that he would join a cycling group after an invitation from a business colleague. He was worried about his level of fitness, so increased his morning walking routine to include a period of jogging.
One of the cycling group was a member of a Gamelan orchestra. Nigel had been intrigued by this Indonesian cultural music during his business travels. He started going on the odd occasion to listen to his mate practice with the university club orchestra prior to having a beer together on the way home. It didn’t take long before he was playing drums and participated in several cultural trips with the orchestra to Indonesia. On the last trip he developed a relationship with Gabby, who is also a drummer. As Gabby recently bought a BMW touring motorbike he and Gabby are planning some weekend trips to explore the rural towns in their State.
Marcia is 64 years old, and has worked successfully as an accountant in a medium sized firm for the last 15 years. She is divorced and has one adult child who lives overseas. Since her divorce almost 20 years ago, Marcia has been financially prudent and now owns her own home. She is considering downsizing to a smaller property in order to provide supplementary funds to her superannuation. She has been gradually cutting her hours of work over the past 2 years as a transition towards having a less structured life. Looking back she feels happy that she has fulfilled her goal to be financially independent. .
Her relationships are longstanding: family relationships, friendships developed through her children’s school networks, and work colleagues. She has never really liked doing things alone and has worked really hard to maintain her friendship groups, drawing on various friends to be travelling companions. However, due to the ups and downs in some of her friends’ lives and her increasingly restricted mobility, this has become more difficult. Marcia was very frightened about spending her retirement without a companion and decided to have some counselling to work on changing her attitude to this.
In the course of her counselling sessions and because of her loss of mobility Marcia came to the decision to reconnect with her interest in music and has resumed playing the clarinet and piano. She joined a jazz group which jams weekly and performs occasionally and through this she is building a new friendship group. Over the 2 years that she has been in the group her confidence has grown and she has become able to think about the future in positive terms, rather than with fear about her prospects. She recently joined a swimming club and is swimming twice a week and enjoying the social benefits of this. Both of these activities fit with her need to be part of a group.
Her new role of Grandmother is also adding richness to her life and providing an opportunity to rebuild the relationship with her son that was strained after her divorce. She has developed expertise in using Skype and is really enjoying seeing her grand-daughter grow. The physical distance is less troubling to her, thanks to improvements in technology.
Marcia is still finding her feet, but has a new found confidence in herself that she can trust her own judgement, and learned to take and filter advice given to her. These days, being single does not seem so frightening. Her life is rich and providing her with ongoing enjoyment.
In both of these case studies, “the transitioners” made decisions that required them to take a risk, to learn new skills and to be active in their social connections. These were not new ideas to them, just ideas that were lost touch with during a time of emotional turmoil. As in most cases, it is not the act of doing something risky that that immobilises us, more the anxiety of failing that can prevent us from changing our set ways.
The examples in this chapter are of people who have led secure working lives, but I can think of many more clients who have not been as fortunate and who have taken active roles in volunteering activities including Bush Care Groups, Event Committees for the local council, Meals on Wheels, or joining groups with interests that fit with their own such as Museum tours or book clubs. Also many universities provide opportunities for older people, through University of the Third Age (U3A) to continue to study without the pressure of doing exams.
As I have been writing this article, I have enjoyed the experience of imagining how I will progress my own transition to retirement, which is within striking distance. I must remember to take some of my own advice, look at others who have made the transition well and are active members of their friendship groups and communities.
Pamela Lewis
Individual Couple and Family Therapist.
Director of Clinical Services
Relationships Australia (NSW)